How do you know when you've gone too far? How do you know when to stop? I have long wondered this. As most of you (read: all of you) know I have moved over the course of my college career from being fairly conservative to pretty darn liberal*. Sometimes this disturbs me. Because if I am to be believed now, then the person I was 3 to 5 years ago was a horribly inept and stupid person. However, that person occasionally did good things. And the person I am now, occasionally (read: often) does stupid things. So logically, why should the person I am now be considered an authority of what and who is right and what and who is wrong? The answer is I shouldn't.
*I don't know what to do about the labels conservative and liberal. A lot of people say that they hate the terms, but I wonder whether they hate it because they really think they are inadequate (which they are) or because it is chic to say that one doesn't like those labels. The popularity of rebellion is a big problem which I will discuss later.
I don't know anything*. At least when I'm honest. More often than not, I give off the arrogant appearance that I know much, but really, I'm just passable at bull****. That's frightening because I base a lot of my ideals and philosophies (I can only hope that these noble thoughts actually will become actions, pray for me), on my logical acceptance of others theses on life. But what if I am stupid, what if I don't know the difference, what if I can't be trusted? Well, I'm screwed then. I'm really screwed.
*Yet another chic enlightened college statement. Bonhoeffer makes the statement that saying "All I know is that I know nothing" means something completely different when it comes out of the mouth of experience than when it comes from a young man. He's right. I can't know that I know nothing. To say that I know nothing is to short my life and my pursuit of knowledge. Once again, Bonhoeffer makes the statement that this statement is fine as the output of a life of pursuit, but is terrible if used as the input for a life not yet lived. It's my use of phrases such as these that make me wonder if intelligent elderly people find us completely intolerable.
How do I beat this? Well, I don't. I think that's the problem of Christianity (there I go thinking again, its a vicious cycle). The whole point of the religion* is that we, as followers, admit our complete failure and inability and surrender to someone who knows better. We give up our thoughts for his, our acts for his, our wants for his, our needs for his, and ourselves for him. So that's it, I surrender. I give up everything that I want, because I can't trust myself. Because I will just keep messing up and reversing course and bouncing off of walls. Because my head will be nothing but a Red Bull induced meltdown if this doesn't happen. Because I can't logically tell myself that I know what I'm doing. So I jump off the edge...
*Another chic/cliche thing coming up. I am tired of the whole "It's a relationship not a religion" thing. Not because its untrue. But because it still confines the whole notion of Christ into a bubble which we understand. One word does not and cannot confine Christ and all that he is. It can't. Yes, Christ is more than a religion, but Christ is also more than a relationship. He's just more.................
Peace and love,
Ben
P.S. Two more quick points that just didn't fit into the overall scheme.
1) When does a truism turn into a cliche? I just wonder. Does it happen when people start using it as a mantra, but it no longer MEANS anything to them? Does it happen the same way as when an indy band makes it big and then they suck? Basically, does the truth sell out when it becomes popular? I think this is interesting. Because I think (arrgh...seriously, I can't stop), Christianity stopped being real when it became big time. I mean some people still believed it, but a lot of people joined because it was chic and it became cliche.
2) I am kind of weirded out by the cool rebelliousness of college kids (and yes, I included myself in this). It's just strange. All of a sudden college kids (like me) are aggressively pacifist (ironic)/care about free trade/care about nationalism/care about capitalism. How many really believe what they say? How many actually care enough to change something about themselves? How many just say it because it means they can hang out with the cool kids in the coffee shops? How many just say it because it gets knowing chuckles and appropriately timed sneers from their friends? I really wonder, because I wonder which side I'm actually on. I wonder what I actually believe enough to change. I wonder if I just say things because they press the right buttons. Am I actually growing, or am I just better at playing the social game? That, my friends, is a terrifying thought.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Things That Keep Me Up At Night (aka The Trappings of Someone Who Thinks Too Highly of Himself)
I'm really frustrated tonight. And by frustrated, I mean scared, because thats what people mean when they say they are frustrated. They are simply scared that things won't turn out the way the want it. That is scary, because it means they will turn out some other, less optimal way. Nobody like uncertainty, its frustrating and therefore scary.
Why am I frustrated you might ask? Well, its kind of complicated. I could give a simple answer and say, "I'm frustrated because of work" or "I'm frustrated by money" or "My parents are frustrating". But thats not it, its something bigger, something haunting. Its two really big problems in my life colliding to make me almost quesy (sp?) with frustration and fear.
Problem Number One
I am terrified of looking back on my life in fifty or sixty years and going, "Oh, thats it? That's all I did." This scares me to no end. Sometimes I literally can't sleep at night because I am so scared of underachieving. I want to do great things. I want to be part of something bigger than me, something that changes people, changes the world. So I'm terrified of my life being less than meaningful. I'm terrified of dying and people shedding a tear and going on their way never to remember me. Yes, this is a selfish thing, but it is honest as well. I wish I didn't think like that, I wish I could simply be happy with my lot in life. But I think its bigger than that, I know (we'll get to this in a second) that I have a lot of potential, I am terrified of wasting that potential and continually asking myself what could have been. I don't know if other people think about this, but it freaks me out.
Problem Number Two (and its ironic tie ins as the root cause of problem number one)
I never, ever, ever, ever go 100% on anything. If you know me, even in passing, this is not a surprise. However, the reason behind it might be. It isn't that I'm lazy (well I am at times, but thats not everything), it's that I am scared that I will go full throttle, in with everything that I have and that I will fail. I can't handle that. I can't handle pushing myself to the limit, only to find that the limit is closer than it appears. I don't want to wake up to the reality that I have limitations. So the coping mechanism I have created is not trying. I don't try hard, so if I fail, I can always say that it was because I didn't try hard enough. This is a little masochistic if you think about it, I always hold some in reserve so that I can accept the blame for failure. That's weird. This will explain why I almost inevitably end up with grades between 89.5 and 90. I will try just hard enough to do well, but not hard enough to max myself out. I really don't think I could handle risking everything and failing.
This brings to the root cause of the frustration. These problems intertwine and feed each other. I don't try hard enough which means that I inevitably don't do great things, but I don't try hard enough so to avoid learning that there are somethings I can't do. This is a vicious circle. How does one break the mold? I don't know, but i'm frustrated, scared, and I really don't know what to do.
This fear of failure (most obvious name for it) has come clearly into focus during my internship at South Brooke this summer. In this endeavor, my success or failure is not tied to my personal effort. I can succeed and do so greatly with little to no effort, and I can fail magnificently even if I put my heart and soul into a project (not that I would know, because I haven't, remember thats the problem, I'm scared of this). This, with my worldview of success and failure as it is, messes with my mind. I can do nothing and have the greatest success (which is what has happened this summer, the projects I spend the least amount of time on have invariably been the best), or I can try to succeed and fail (my biggest projects have been miserable failures). This creates a situation where my self-esteem, which is closely tied to the correlation between my effort and my success, plummets out of control. My self-esteem is, mistakenly, based on the idea that I can succeed with a small amount of effort, and succeed even more if I just tried harder. So this job, with the success completely unrelated to my work, is destroying my self-esteem. Not to mention that I feel personally accountable for every failure (even though every logical person on the planet knows that a 21 year old summer intern is not expected, nor anticipated to be successful). So, I'm frustrated and I'm a little depressed. This is a vicious cycle, but hopefully noticing that it exists can be the first step in its downfall.
So, I hope this wasn't too depressing (or potentially too narcissistic) for my reader's taste. I am just having a bad evening and needed a forum to vent. I would love to hear your own personal struggles or your recommendations on how I can fix mine. Thanks for listening (read: reading).
Peace and love,
Ben
Why am I frustrated you might ask? Well, its kind of complicated. I could give a simple answer and say, "I'm frustrated because of work" or "I'm frustrated by money" or "My parents are frustrating". But thats not it, its something bigger, something haunting. Its two really big problems in my life colliding to make me almost quesy (sp?) with frustration and fear.
Problem Number One
I am terrified of looking back on my life in fifty or sixty years and going, "Oh, thats it? That's all I did." This scares me to no end. Sometimes I literally can't sleep at night because I am so scared of underachieving. I want to do great things. I want to be part of something bigger than me, something that changes people, changes the world. So I'm terrified of my life being less than meaningful. I'm terrified of dying and people shedding a tear and going on their way never to remember me. Yes, this is a selfish thing, but it is honest as well. I wish I didn't think like that, I wish I could simply be happy with my lot in life. But I think its bigger than that, I know (we'll get to this in a second) that I have a lot of potential, I am terrified of wasting that potential and continually asking myself what could have been. I don't know if other people think about this, but it freaks me out.
Problem Number Two (and its ironic tie ins as the root cause of problem number one)
I never, ever, ever, ever go 100% on anything. If you know me, even in passing, this is not a surprise. However, the reason behind it might be. It isn't that I'm lazy (well I am at times, but thats not everything), it's that I am scared that I will go full throttle, in with everything that I have and that I will fail. I can't handle that. I can't handle pushing myself to the limit, only to find that the limit is closer than it appears. I don't want to wake up to the reality that I have limitations. So the coping mechanism I have created is not trying. I don't try hard, so if I fail, I can always say that it was because I didn't try hard enough. This is a little masochistic if you think about it, I always hold some in reserve so that I can accept the blame for failure. That's weird. This will explain why I almost inevitably end up with grades between 89.5 and 90. I will try just hard enough to do well, but not hard enough to max myself out. I really don't think I could handle risking everything and failing.
This brings to the root cause of the frustration. These problems intertwine and feed each other. I don't try hard enough which means that I inevitably don't do great things, but I don't try hard enough so to avoid learning that there are somethings I can't do. This is a vicious circle. How does one break the mold? I don't know, but i'm frustrated, scared, and I really don't know what to do.
This fear of failure (most obvious name for it) has come clearly into focus during my internship at South Brooke this summer. In this endeavor, my success or failure is not tied to my personal effort. I can succeed and do so greatly with little to no effort, and I can fail magnificently even if I put my heart and soul into a project (not that I would know, because I haven't, remember thats the problem, I'm scared of this). This, with my worldview of success and failure as it is, messes with my mind. I can do nothing and have the greatest success (which is what has happened this summer, the projects I spend the least amount of time on have invariably been the best), or I can try to succeed and fail (my biggest projects have been miserable failures). This creates a situation where my self-esteem, which is closely tied to the correlation between my effort and my success, plummets out of control. My self-esteem is, mistakenly, based on the idea that I can succeed with a small amount of effort, and succeed even more if I just tried harder. So this job, with the success completely unrelated to my work, is destroying my self-esteem. Not to mention that I feel personally accountable for every failure (even though every logical person on the planet knows that a 21 year old summer intern is not expected, nor anticipated to be successful). So, I'm frustrated and I'm a little depressed. This is a vicious cycle, but hopefully noticing that it exists can be the first step in its downfall.
So, I hope this wasn't too depressing (or potentially too narcissistic) for my reader's taste. I am just having a bad evening and needed a forum to vent. I would love to hear your own personal struggles or your recommendations on how I can fix mine. Thanks for listening (read: reading).
Peace and love,
Ben
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