How do you know when you've gone too far? How do you know when to stop? I have long wondered this. As most of you (read: all of you) know I have moved over the course of my college career from being fairly conservative to pretty darn liberal*. Sometimes this disturbs me. Because if I am to be believed now, then the person I was 3 to 5 years ago was a horribly inept and stupid person. However, that person occasionally did good things. And the person I am now, occasionally (read: often) does stupid things. So logically, why should the person I am now be considered an authority of what and who is right and what and who is wrong? The answer is I shouldn't.
*I don't know what to do about the labels conservative and liberal. A lot of people say that they hate the terms, but I wonder whether they hate it because they really think they are inadequate (which they are) or because it is chic to say that one doesn't like those labels. The popularity of rebellion is a big problem which I will discuss later.
I don't know anything*. At least when I'm honest. More often than not, I give off the arrogant appearance that I know much, but really, I'm just passable at bull****. That's frightening because I base a lot of my ideals and philosophies (I can only hope that these noble thoughts actually will become actions, pray for me), on my logical acceptance of others theses on life. But what if I am stupid, what if I don't know the difference, what if I can't be trusted? Well, I'm screwed then. I'm really screwed.
*Yet another chic enlightened college statement. Bonhoeffer makes the statement that saying "All I know is that I know nothing" means something completely different when it comes out of the mouth of experience than when it comes from a young man. He's right. I can't know that I know nothing. To say that I know nothing is to short my life and my pursuit of knowledge. Once again, Bonhoeffer makes the statement that this statement is fine as the output of a life of pursuit, but is terrible if used as the input for a life not yet lived. It's my use of phrases such as these that make me wonder if intelligent elderly people find us completely intolerable.
How do I beat this? Well, I don't. I think that's the problem of Christianity (there I go thinking again, its a vicious cycle). The whole point of the religion* is that we, as followers, admit our complete failure and inability and surrender to someone who knows better. We give up our thoughts for his, our acts for his, our wants for his, our needs for his, and ourselves for him. So that's it, I surrender. I give up everything that I want, because I can't trust myself. Because I will just keep messing up and reversing course and bouncing off of walls. Because my head will be nothing but a Red Bull induced meltdown if this doesn't happen. Because I can't logically tell myself that I know what I'm doing. So I jump off the edge...
*Another chic/cliche thing coming up. I am tired of the whole "It's a relationship not a religion" thing. Not because its untrue. But because it still confines the whole notion of Christ into a bubble which we understand. One word does not and cannot confine Christ and all that he is. It can't. Yes, Christ is more than a religion, but Christ is also more than a relationship. He's just more.................
Peace and love,
Ben
P.S. Two more quick points that just didn't fit into the overall scheme.
1) When does a truism turn into a cliche? I just wonder. Does it happen when people start using it as a mantra, but it no longer MEANS anything to them? Does it happen the same way as when an indy band makes it big and then they suck? Basically, does the truth sell out when it becomes popular? I think this is interesting. Because I think (arrgh...seriously, I can't stop), Christianity stopped being real when it became big time. I mean some people still believed it, but a lot of people joined because it was chic and it became cliche.
2) I am kind of weirded out by the cool rebelliousness of college kids (and yes, I included myself in this). It's just strange. All of a sudden college kids (like me) are aggressively pacifist (ironic)/care about free trade/care about nationalism/care about capitalism. How many really believe what they say? How many actually care enough to change something about themselves? How many just say it because it means they can hang out with the cool kids in the coffee shops? How many just say it because it gets knowing chuckles and appropriately timed sneers from their friends? I really wonder, because I wonder which side I'm actually on. I wonder what I actually believe enough to change. I wonder if I just say things because they press the right buttons. Am I actually growing, or am I just better at playing the social game? That, my friends, is a terrifying thought.
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2 comments:
The progression (or regression, whatever) you cite of moving along this arbitrary spectrum does not, I don't believe, have to be qualified by value judgments. Just because you believe different things now than you did 3 to 5 years ago doesn't mean you were stupid then (though it doesn't rule out the possibility) - it just means that you know more now than you did back then and have adjusted your viewpoints correspondingly. I also think you should clarify what you're talking about when you use conservative and liberal: I don't think you mean politically, so I take it you're talking about religion...correct?
This ties in to my next point, which in turn ties in to something you said later in your post; that is, the idea of not being able to understand Christ. I've been reading about some philosophy that roughly approximates this position and falls under the school known as theological noncognitivism. This basically says that the words used to discuss religion don't truly have any meaning because they aren't understandable. In essence, the sentence "God loves me" means the same as "colorless green chickens scream silently in my waking dreams." Both statements are grammatically correct, but they don't hold any meaning because the words they contain don't discuss real concepts. I'm not pretending that this is what you meant, but it reminded me of it, and I have to say that I would count myself a subscriber.
I know I have mentioned this to you before, but it's worth pointing out again: you have to accept certain propositions as starting points for any argument, otherwise you've reached an endgame. It's easy to get sucked into this radical, never-ending deconstructionism, but it's going to result in you not believing anything at all. Further, I think it's interesting and ironic that you have trouble rationalizing your reliance on other people's theses as this starting point. Accepting the existence of a god seems to me to be the ultimate unsubstantiated starting point; I'm not trying to attack your belief, I'm just wondering why it's easy to do in some places, and a mind-block in others.
To address your postscripts:
1) Agreed, on the larger points. However, the idea that Christianity stopped being "real" when it became mainstream (and I've heard this idea put forth before) is a big problem I have with the religion. Why is it that people think they have to be in a position to be persecuted for something in order for it to be worthwhile? Doesn't this go against every impulse we have as humans? If you truly care about something, you should work to bring it into the mainstream. In any case, this idea and that of evangelism are starkly opposed to each other, and I'd go so far as to say irreconcilable.
2) It's a function of our age, man. College kids have always been like this. They think they know wayyy more than they do (this goes for me maybe more than any other), and they can be on the showy side of ostentatious trying to prove it. (That last sentence was an exercise in self-definition.) Anyways, I'm out; gotta get some lunch. I'm looking forward to next semester.
it is not that we are so competent that we can claim any credit for ourselves; all our competence comes from God.
It is not ourselves that we are proclaiming, but Christ Jesus as the Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.
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